When I was in college, I remember learning about the Sorites Paradox. This is this philosophical question about a hypothetical situation:
If you have a pile of sand, and you remove one grain, you still have a heap of sand. Taking one small piece away doesn't change the pile
But, if you keep doing this, you get down to a pile of 3 grains of sand. If you take away one grain now, do you still have a pile?
Could you have a pile of sand that has had every grain of sand anymore?
Heaps of sand at the beach
This was the point that I remember rolling my eyes and deciding that I could never study philosophy. It's just a bunch of people telling riddles that can can't be answered, but that are completely disconnected from real life. I was in college because I wanted to learn how to help people. Not to play logic games.
I thought I got the point they were asking: When is a pile not a pile anymore? And while I can't answer the exact number of grains of sand that make a pile; we all basically know what a pile is. If you want to remove it grain of sand by grain of sand, than use a different measurement.
Now though I feel that this image is a perfect encapsulation of my relationship with my mother. When is a relationship not enough anymore? When does it stop being enough?
After my dad died, I felt an obligation to keep in touch with my mom, as a widow who I pitied; despite the years of hurt that and distance that had piled up between us. I sent texts and pictures of the grandkids. My mom though wanted us to be "close again." She called me cruel for not being as close as she had wanted; she told me that I only had one mother. She pleaded for answers.
It is hard to look at someone who is crying about how much she loves you and walk away. It is harder when that person is your mother. But I did. In the time between my dad's death and my estrangement from my mother, I felt like a person desperately picking up grains of sand to see if there was something there. If there was anything left to actually save. Every time I sent a picture or a message or an offer to call - I was hoping that maybe this would be it. I could find the safe distance to be with her. And each time I thought I had something, a slight wind would blow and I would be left with a few grands of sand - but nothing that could be called a pile. So finally, I stopped searching, stopped piling, and let the dust get swept away.
The thing I missed about Sorites Paradox is that it is not actually about defining a pile. It is about the vagueness of words. It is about definitions that we all know; but that are not literally definable. Words like love, and relationship, and closeness. I do believe I love my mother still. I hope she is happy and fulfilled. But love is not enough to make me call her. Love is not enough to make a relationship.
My mom was right though that without her in my life - I have no mother. Sometimes this feels lonely and sad. It can feel out of step with society to not have a mother because you've chosen not to. The thing is that I felt that way even when I she was in my life. While she had felt closeness; I had not. I had only felt expectation, obligation, guilt and anger.
My mother has given me the silent treatment off and on throughout my life. So I imagine it took her a while to realize that for me this estrangement will endure. It was not a rash decision made from anger - but from a sad acceptance that our relationship has been gone for a long time.
Clouds beginning to clear from a mountain top and revealing a hazy view of the ocean
I am certain that a part of me will always grieve the fact that I don't have a close relationship with my mom. It is a deep sadness that neither of us will ever be able to share that kind of love. However, for me, letting go of hope that our relationship would change was healing. For the first time, I stopped sweeping and grasping at the smallest bits of love; piling grains of sand atop each other trying to make enough. Instead, I could finally turn my attention to love that is easy to define.
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